How Did You Do That?

After observing the lives of some of my children once, someone said to me, “Your kids love the Lord.  How did you make them do that?”

The question almost made me laugh, because if I have learned anything over my years of motherhood, it is that God is the only one that can make children love Him.  He is the only one that can take someone with a sinful, unbelieving heart, transfer them from the kingdom of darkness into light, and awaken them to love, worship, and serve Jesus Christ. I am so thankful that He not only CAN do that, but He actually DELIGHTS to do that. 

So my answer to the question, “How did you do that?” is “I didn’t, but God can!” At the same time, I am aware that God’s normal way of saving people is through the influence and witness of average people, as they share the Gospel in love, and help other believers grow. It is not uncommon to hear testimonies of how God used parents in the salvation and growth of their children. Even though parents are sinners, too, and we have all failed in one way or another in this role of parenting, God is gracious, and He uses parents anyway.

When someone asks me a question like that, what they usually really mean is, “What can I do, and what should I be doing to impact my children for Christ? And how does God use godly parents to help their children know and love and live to serve Jesus Christ?” That was the question in my heart when I first started out with one little baby. Looking back now from the vantage point of having grown children, here’s what I would say to those questions…

Pray for change that results in love.  

The saving, sanctifying work of Christ in my life has impacted my children for good as it has produced a love that flows in at least three directions: love for Jesus Christ, love for my husband, and love for my children. 

On the day that Christ saved me there was an initial life transformation, but that has become a continuing transformation for many years now. God is so amazing in His power that He can take sinful, selfish, unworthy, and often unwilling people, transform them, and use them to carry out His amazing plans in the lives of others.  So, when God needed a mother to raise eight Shealy children, He could start with me. That way, in the end, He gets all the credit for any good that was produced in the lives of my kids, and as people see this, they should say, “Wow! Look what God can do!”

I. Love Jesus Christ

First, pray for change that results in love for Christ. It would seem obvious that if you want your children to love the Lord, they need to first see that modeled in your own life, but many Christian mothers miss this.  If loving God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength is your prayer, then you can be sure that there are things that must change for that to become a growing reality in your life. At the moment of your salvation, you were given the power to die to self and live to God. Moment by moment we need to keep making decisions that reflect that we belong to Jesus and are now living for His glory, not our own.

How does this look on a normal day? 

Fix your eyes on Jesus. What do you think of Jesus?  Is He your prize, your treasure, the One who gives you satisfaction, peace, stability, hope and joy? Hebrews 12:1-3 describes us as runners who are to run with our eyes fixed firmly on our prize…Jesus Christ Himself. He is our everything. The more you learn of Him, the more you will see Him as the loving, merciful Savior who has rescued you from your sin and is worthy of all your love and worship, obedience and service. This will change how you think, how you act, and what you say, even when your days of caring for little children are difficult. Life will be less about you and your circumstances, good or bad. More and more, it will be about living to bring glory to your Savior.  As we are transformed by the Gospel, we will be able to echo what John the Baptist said about Jesus, “He must increase, I must decrease.”

Be daily transformed by the Gospel. To live daily with my eyes fixed on Jesus has required daily repentance because I am proud and selfish. God has used my children in amazing ways to show me just how sinful I really am!!!  But the more I focus on Jesus, who He is and all He has done for me, it makes me want to turn away from my pride and selfishness.  The Gospel can and should make us humble and grateful. It reminds me that all I deserved was condemnation and wrath, but I have instead been granted forgiveness and the righteousness of Christ before a holy God.  This helps to kill my sinful, selfish “entitlement” mentality and have a right perspective.

Live for Him with hope and joy. The transformation that Christ has brought should change the demeanor of your life. You will be able to smile at the future, like the Proverbs 31 woman, because you are confident in God’s great power, and you belong to Him.  It will remind you that since you have Jesus, you need nothing else to be happy in this life and hopeful for the life to come.

You will be able to reflect a heart that can be unselfish and do the unseen, thankless, yet necessary, jobs that no one else wants to do, because you are doing it for Jesus. The more you learn of His power, wisdom, and goodness, the more your heart will reflect contentment, because you will know that He chooses what is best for you on any given day. The more you grow in love for Jesus Christ, the more you will want to live for what He says is important. You will want to be part of leading little ones to Him, and building His kingdom, starting with your own children as your greatest missionary opportunity.  

As you are daily transformed into this kind of woman who loves Jesus Christ, your children will have a living example of the power of the Gospel right before their eyes.  They will know what it means to follow Jesus, not just because of what you have said to them, but by how you have lived as they have watched.

II.   Love your Husband

Second, pray for change that results in love for your husband.  One way God intended for the Gospel to be preached to the world is through the vehicle of marriage. The transforming power of the Gospel is most conspicuously put on display when two sinners can live together in marriage and actually love each other.  The primary audience of this witness is the children who are produced by such a marriage. I believe that great damage has been done to the testimony of the Gospel by parents who tell their children to love Christ, but can’t show by their own marriage that their love for Christ empowered and motivated them to love each other.

Often people use Ephesians 5:22-33 as a how-to for having a happy marriage.  But don’t miss the fact that this chapter starts and ends with the Gospel. Verse 1 calls us to imitate God in the sacrificial love He has shown us in Christ, and at the end of the chapter, (after giving marriage as an example of a relationship where the Gospel should have an impact,) Paul says, “I am speaking with reference to Christ and the Church.”

In his book Gospel-Powered Parenting, William Farley powerfully makes this point:

“ …human marriage exists to preach the gospel.  It exists to illustrate the fruit that should follow the preaching of the gospel in the church. …What is our marriage telling them (our children) about Christ and his bride? They see it all. They hear our fights.  They absorb our attitudes. They know who or what really sits on the throne of our lives. They watch how we handle resentment.  They hear the way we talk to each other.  They know when we hear the Sunday sermon and apply it.  They also know when we ignore it. …The message that our marriage preaches either repels or attracts our children. God wants your child to watch your marriage and think, ‘I want a marriage like that, and I want the God that produced it.’ “

Marriage is the great overlooked tool for the evangelism of children. Once again the transforming power of the Gospel makes it possible for two sinners to love each other in this way in their marriage. When we sin and fail, the Gospel will draw us back to Christ for forgiveness, and will send us to each other in humility to confess our sins and be restored. Our children need to witness this process between their parents when there is sin and conflict, and it can have a great impact on their lives for Christ.

My children have mentioned little things that stood out to them that Brian and I did to show love to each other. When he would return home from work at the end of the day, everything would come screeching to a halt as I would run to the front door to get the first kiss and hug. Sometimes the kids would even engage me in a playful race, and laugh as I fought to be in Daddy’s arms first.  They noticed that we held hands in the front seat, or embraced as we took a walk together. One memorable quote from Lindsay, at about age 4 as she watched us show affection, was “keep up the good kissing!” It built security in their lives that we would go to so much trouble to get away for dates, and overnight trips on our anniversary. Sometimes our children would visit a home that had an air of underlying stress and conflict between the parents, and then they would come home and thank us for loving each other.

III. Love Your Children

Finally, pray for change that results in love for your children.

It is interesting to note that the one thing said to older women instructing younger women about parenting, in Titus 2:3-5, is simply “…encourage them to …love their children.” 

As I have grown in Christ, my list for why I should love my children has grown, too.

I must love them because:

1. God made them, and they are an amazing display of His creative power. (Psalm 139)

2. God loves them, and He shows grace to them whether they are saved or unsaved. (John 3:16)

3. God uses them for my sanctification. (Boy, does He ever!) (Romans 8:28)

4. God wants me to tell them about Him, and the great salvation He offers in Jesus. (Psalm 78, Matthew 28:18-20)

5. God has loved me, and saved me so that I would love others. (1 John 4)

How I should love my children is clearly outlined in the Scriptures, too.

Colossians 3:12-14 has been a foundational passage that God has used to teach me how to love my children over the years:

“So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you. Beyond all these things, put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity.”

Two character qualities from that list especially stand out and are emphasized also in 1 Corinthians 13:4 “Love is patient; love is kind.”

Be patient.

This sounds so simple, yet we all know that it isn’t always easy. Our own sinful desires would have us lash out when under all the provocations that happen in a day of caring for little (and big) kids. But 1 Cor. 13:4 teaches us that we must choose, especially at those provoking moments, to be patient. Patience is the restraining, passive side of love. It calls us to put up with the irritating actions of others, to endure them, to persevere and not give up on the offenders. Especially when they don’t deserve it, God calls you to demonstrate through your warm, welcoming, accepting demeanor toward your kids that you still love them.  And as you do this, pray and look for opportunities to tell your children that you do this because that is how Christ has loved you.  He has been patient with you. He has endured all the sin you committed against Him, loving and dying for you, even when you were His enemy! His patient treatment toward you should motivate you to extend that to others, especially to your children.

Striving to love patiently has opened up many opportunities to talk to my kids about the Gospel. In fact, the times that I have failed to do this have been used by the Lord too, as I have had to ask their forgiveness.

Be kind.

Kindness is the active side of love and goes beyond simply not returning evil to those provoking you. Instead it drives us to do tangible, practical deeds of love, especially when they are undeserved.  Discipline must be carried out, but even that can be done in a spirit of humility, compassion, and gentleness. And when you follow it with kindness, your children will get a message, loud and clear, that you haven’t given up on them. It extends restoration, and forgiveness, and will help to establish harmony in our homes. We must die to our desire to only love our children when they deserve it.  Jesus Christ daily lavishes your life with gifts of undeserved kindness. He took your punishment and instead gave you His righteous standing before a Holy God. And here we are back at the Gospel again.  Stay there. Live there, moment to moment with your children. Let the gracious, merciful love that Christ has shown to you transform you and flow out to your kids.  Then they will know that Jesus is alive, and that what He has done for you is real and life-transforming.

So, this is my story of how Christ has been working in my life over many years, but He isn't done by any means!  I’m asking God to continue the life transformation that He started on the day that He saved me so that I will “grow in grace and in the knowledge of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.”

I’m asking Him to make that transformation evident in the way I love Jesus Christ, live my life for Him, and find in Him my satisfaction, joy, hope, and purpose.

I’m asking Him to change me day by day so that I will love my husband, as a devoted, godly wife.

I’m asking the Lord to keep making me more like Christ so that I will love my children, as a humble, gracious mother.

And finally, I’m asking the Lord to keep using me in the lives of my children in the days and years to come for His glory.  He can do it!