As a pastor's/elder's/ministry leader's wife, you feel it deeply when people leave your church . There may be a million reasons why they decide to go somewhere else, and while you may tell yourself that you shouldn't take it personally, it very much feels personal. Even if it isn't communicated to you that way, it is hard not to see it as a form of rejection. Usually the person leaving has experienced something they didn't like or not experienced something they desired and that has caused them to decide to go. It is not easy, and you have to deal with the loss that you feel from their departure. Also, the greater the personal investment you have made in their lives, and the more experiences you have shared together (good and bad), the greater the emptiness you may feel when they are gone.
So, how are we to respond to this?
Love Them
I know. You already know this. But this often feels like the hardest thing to do, especially if there were hurtful things said in the exit. And yet, it is the most important. Even if their leaving was on good terms, there is an awkwardness that you have to navigate if you still have occasion to see that person. How is this done?
1 Corinthians 13:4-8:
“Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”
While 1 Cor. 13 could be taken for granted as the familiar passage read at weddings, it is so rich with instruction. I turn to it almost daily to remind myself how my interaction with others must look to qualify as love.
It teaches me to be patient with people, restraining my desire to be angry with them in conflict. It calls me to pray for self-control so that I won’t inflict my sinful inclinations on them, and to hold back a repayment for any evil done to me. Most of all it reminds me of the Gospel and the fact that this is how God has treated me in Christ. Beyond that passive quality of patience, 1 Cor. 13 drives me to take action and show kindness. This rules out ignoring someone, and instead challenges me to think of a specific thing to do to show kindness, at least while they are still around. Once they are gone, it may be that you live these qualities out most in your thoughts toward that person, and in your commitment to not slander or speak evil of them to other people. Verses 5 and 6 exhort me to not allow myself the luxury of responding in any sinful way (jealousy, arrogance, being provoked, remembering wrongs, etc.). Instead, it calls me to persevere in love, with hopeful expectation.
There are many passages that exhort us to extend the same patient and kind treatment that Christ has lavished on us. 2 Timothy 2:24: The Lord’s bond-servant must not be quarrelsome, but be kind to all, able to teach, patient when wronged,
1 Thessalonians 5:14: We urge you, brethren, admonish the unruly, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with everyone.
Ephesians 4:32: Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.
So go on loving, as long as you have opportunity, just like Jesus has loved you. Love the undeserving, and unreasonable. Go on loving people even if suffering is involved.
I Peter 2:21-23: “For you have been called for this purpose, since Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example for you to follow in His steps, who committed no sin, nor was any deceit found in His mouth; and while being reviled, He did not revile in return; while suffering, He uttered no threats, but kept entrusting Himself to Him who judges righteously;"
Love when no favorable return is expected…(when you are getting nothing out of it.) Jesus extended the same love to Judas as the other disciples received, yet knew with full knowledge what was in his heart.
Love them even, no especially, when they treat you like an enemy. But don’t assume that they will always be that way. Hope in God who can conquer your enemy with the gracious acts of love that you do toward them.
If you determine to love people who leave your church in this way, you will show that you are a lover of Christ above all and want to reflect the Gospel love you have been shown.
Learn From Them
This requires great humility. What were their perceptions about your church? While perceptions may stem from misunderstanding the truth about something, and not be your fault, in many ways perception equals reality. Their perceptions shaped the way they thought and acted, and therefore need to be considered as you process what happened. Ask God to show you ways that you (to the extent that you were involved) or your church may need to change. What concerns were valid or brought up other issues that need to be addressed? What does it teach you about your own heart? Don’t miss the kernels of truth that God may be trying to bring to your attention. It is difficult to do this, but when you “go low”, you put yourself in a great position of blessing before the Lord…
“…all of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, for God is opposed to the proud, but gives grace to the humble. Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you. Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. But resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same experiences of suffering are being accomplished by your brethren who are in the world. After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you. To Him be dominion forever and ever. Amen." (1 Peter 5:5-11)
Lean On the Lord
Let the doctrine of the sovereignty of God be your place of rest and comfort. He is completely in control and can be completely trusted to do what is right for you. In His infinite wisdom, He has chosen this for you. Psalm 139:16 says, “And in Your book were all written the days that were ordained for me, when as yet there was not one of them.”
He doesn't always shield us from the storms. Notice how Jesus with full knowledge sent his disciples into a storm in the dark on the Sea of Galilee after a long day when they were surely exhausted. (See Matthew 14:22-33) But when it was over, they were filled with a heart of worship, knowing a little bit more about this mighty God who came walking out on the water to rescue them.
What do you know about His character that will help you in this situation? What about His goodness, wisdom, love, kindness, power, his purposeful and all-powerful acts?
Ask God to help you see it from His perspective…
You can be sure that the departure of one of your church members …
*will be for His glory,
*will accomplish His plan (though maybe not in the way you thought, nor with the people you expected),
*will make you and everyone involved more like Christ if received properly, and
*will help you take one more step toward abandoning your plans, your desires, and your dreams to submit to and embrace God’s better ones.
There are times that I must pray that God's great goals would become my greatest desires, too, regardless of the cost. It is convicting to realize that I don't always have Christ's kingdom in mind when I react to circumstances in the church. My selfishness, can easily lead me to seek first MY kingdom, not His. But I have to remember that ministry in the church is all about exalting and proclaiming the Lord Jesus Christ, not about us. We are merely His servants, and we have to coach our hearts to say with John the Baptist, “He must increase, I must decrease”.
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