Encouraging Loving Sibling Relationships

Of all the friends your children could make in their childhood years, deep, loving relationships with their own brothers and sisters is crucial to family unity. The family, as God designed it, with only reach it's full potential when all the members love God and one another. So, how can you encourage your children to cultivate their "best friends"among their own siblings?

1. First of all, determine to love all of your children equally. Parents who show partiality to one child over another will cause their children to be jealous and resentful of one another. There will be times when one child may be at a more challenging phase of discipline and growth than another. But the wise parent will resist the temptation to draw a comparison between the two. Be careful what you say about your children to them and to other people.

2. Teach your children to show love to their siblings with the words they use. There is no place among brothers and sisters for name-calling and insults. Instead, Christian parents should help their children learn how to say words that will encourage and build up. Hold them to the standard of Ephesians 4:29 that says, "Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, that it may give grace to those who hear." Children must also be taught to use appropriate tone of voice, one that is kind and gracious and will not heighten a conflict. "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." (Proverbs 15:1)

3. Help your children practice acts of love to one another. It has been said that actions speak louder than words, and there is no better way to prove loving words than by loving deeds. This can start with a toddler being encouraged to share his crackers with his big brother, or an older child giving a turn with a game or special toy to a younger sibling. Coach your children in the art of giving cards and handmade gifts to one another on birthdays and other special occasions, or just because. Teach them to govern their actions by Matthew 7:12, "however you want people to treat you, so treat them." Children will remember how they were treated by their brothers and sisters. Help them build memories together of loving words and actions.

4. Teach your children how to resolve conflict. While it may come natural to your children to respond to conflict by pouting, yelling, or revenge, these ways are not God's ways. Instead take your children to the Scriptures to learn Biblical conflict resolution. Practicing these 4 steps will help children be at peace rather than at odds.
1. When sinned against, go to your brother and privately reprove him. (Matt. 18:15)
2. When you have sinned, confess your sins to one another. (James 5:16)
3. Forgive one another. (Matt. 6:14)
4. Be humble and unselfishness. (Phil. 2:3,4)

5. Help your children to honor one another by respecting the property of others. Some simple standards like asking permission before borrowing or using something will help minimize conflict among siblings. Be sensitive to an older child who is reluctant to hand over his fragile or special possession to a toddler who has a reputation for destruction.

6. Finally, encourage physical affection. One of the sweetest things you will see in your home will be children showing their love with hugs and kisses! This should be modeled before them, and sometimes they will need to be coached along to show affection.

Now, I wish that after almost 20 years of trying to teach my children to love each other that I could say that they have it all down! Unfortunately, though, they are sinners like their mother, and loving others is a lifelong pursuit. So we fail and repent and ask forgiveness, and pray for God's grace to motivate us to love others like He has loved us. It has given me many opportunities over the years to talk to them of their need of Christ's work in their hearts. So, as I see my children growing up and becoming close friends, I thank God for what He has done.

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Dealing with Anger

Every mom feels the rub of dealing with children who are choosing to be disobedient, rebellious, ungrateful, and irritating. It is compounded, of course, as many of us have come to painfully realize, by our own sinful, angry responses. A family is just a houseful of sinners, and for the Christian family, they are trying to live together in love to the glory of God. But, learning how to love unconditionally is not easy. It requires a humble, teachable, and repentant heart. It is definitely a growing process, and God uses this crucible of sanctification to make you more like Christ. We have to always set that before us as the goal: to be more like Christ, and to glorify Him in the choices we make for obedience as we go throughout our days. I think God uses children to show us the true condition of our hearts, and I can tell you from my own experience, it is humbling. God greatly desires to exalt the humble, but warns us that He will personally oppose the proud. So humility is a great place to find ourselves.

If I have been helped in my temptation toward anger over the years, it has been by focusing on three facts:

1. I deserve nothing but God's wrath. Most of my anger came because deep down, I didn't think I deserved the treatment that my children gave me. Actually I deserved much worse!

2. Christ died to save me when I was His enemy. I fought against Him, ignored Him, didn't thank Him for the millions of ways that He blessed me each day, and failed to worship Him as He deserved. Yet He loved me to the greatest degree.

3. If He can love and forgive me, then I can serve Him by loving and forgiving others, especially my children. Maybe that's why I love the story of the unforgiving servant so much. It pictures my heart when I am angry and unforgiving, and I don't want to be that way and disregard the loving sacrifice that the Lord has made for me. "She who has been forgiven much loves much".

God is so faithful. He never abandons His children though they struggle and fail in this area. His mercies are new each morning, and He promises grace to face each challenge that you will encounter in each new day. I like to think to myself on the morning of a new day: "God is on His throne, you are still alive, and there is always hope in Christ!" I also like to remind myself that the word "training" by definition implies practicing over and over against resistance. We are trying to train ourselves in the discipline of godliness, and our flesh resists!!! We are trying to train our children, and their sinfulness and childishness offers great resistance. But God is greater than this resistance, and he will help us overcome! "Greater is He that is in you than he that is in the world." I think when all of our children were little I was at times caught off guard by how hard it seemed. But I learned to say, "That is just the way it is, and I will still choose, by God's enabling grace to love them and obey God."

If I could encourage you to do anything, it would be to enjoy your children! When they are difficult that may seem impossible. But it is a choice that has to be made, and in making it, you will be loving in a truly unconditional way. Our enjoyment of them doesn't have to be dependent on how they act. It can come from a heart of compassion that remembers that they are not our enemy. The real enemy of our souls would love to steal these days from you and have you set patterns now in your responses that will wreak havoc in your relationships, and make it harder later on to change. Ask God to help you to smile at your children, speak gently to them, give them the needed discipline, then hug and kiss them. Chase them down and tickle them, look into their eyes, tell them all day that you love them, and develop a thick skin if necessary so that you can get over the little assaults quickly and go back to being sweet....whether they deserve it or not.

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A Thankful Heart

This has been a wonderful day. We started our day with homemade biscuits just like my mom used to make, then cleaned up the house with my husband directing our small army to keep working. Next threw up our Thanksgiving decoration around the house ( ok almost missed it, but better late than never!) and then worked together to make our Thanksgiving meal. After that, we worked on our Thankful Tree, a paper tree that we tape to the wall and cover with colored construction paper leaves. Before we stick the the leaves on the tree, we write things that we are thankful for on them, as an exercise in reviewing God's blessings to us this year. It was a very restful day to just be together and enjoy each other's company.

As I sat around the table at dinner with the nine people that are my greatest gifts in this life, I was reminded again that the Lord has been so kind and gracious to our family. I want to always acknowledge that "every good and perfect gift comes from above!" Every blessing is straight from His hand. He has filled our lives with indescribable riches.

While all those gifts are so wonderful, Christ Himself is truly my greatest treasure. What would husband and children and friends and material possessions be without the Lord Jesus. As Stephen Curtis Chapman said so well in one of his older songs, "Jesus is LIFE...the air I'm breathing, why my heart is beating, everything I'm needing...Jesus is life!"

Pondering Jesus gives me a very thankful heart, indeed!

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Thankful for Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving Day is one of my most favorite holidays. It's not just the yummy food, (though the scale may tell a different story in a couple of weeks!), but I am glad that we still have a day set aside in our country that originally was to be a day of prayer and thanksgiving to God. And while the commercialization of every holiday is a reality in our country, Christians can get past that and enjoy a day of remembering God's great blessings. Certainly we want to do that every day!

With that said, one thing in particular that I'm thankful for today is the comfort that Christ brings to the heart of the Christian. It really is true that this life is full of trouble. Over the last year many friends my age suffered devastating physical trials. Cancer and strokes and accidents strike when no one expects them. Then there are the overwhelming financial burdens that have come to families because of our ailing economy. Last spring there were 6 families in our Bible study that were facing a loss of employment. Various other trials, big and little, happen daily that overtake us and leave us feeling as if someone has just punched us in the stomach. Pain and anxiety are real, and we cannot escape them in this life.

But those who have put their trust in the Lord Jesus have a refuge from the troubles of this world. He says to all, "Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." (Matthew 11:28,29) Circumstances often remain difficult, yet in the midst of it the Christian can cast all his care on the Lord and experience peace, comfort, and rest. No one else can set a troubled heart at ease. I have experienced this personally, and I am so thankful that the Lord cares for us in this way. He sits as the Sovereign of the universe, and He alone has the power to change our circumstances. At the same time, He is wise, and if He chooses to let our trial continue on, then we can trust that in His lovingkindness and wisdom, He is accomplishing His purposes in our lives by the best means possible. He can fill our hearts with hope, and help us to carry on, even rejoicing in Him. How kind and gracious is the Lord!

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Heavy On My Heart

When I compare the trials that I have personally experienced in my lifetime with the grave difficulties that I have watched many friends endure, I realize that I have not really been tested in the area of suffering. Nevertheless, when a trial overtakes someone that is precious to me, the pain of watching them suffer hangs heavy over my heart as well.

For the last week I have had a very heavy heart for a dear friend and her family. On October 30, my friend Connie suddenly and unexpectedly suffered a severe seizure that lasted for 30 minutes. She was rushed to the ER that night, and a week later she lies in a hospital bed unable to speak or move. She is a wife and mother (to six children all still at home, ages 18 months to 18), and to all who know her, she is a light for Jesus Christ. Connie was one of my dearest friends in the church where my husband pastored for many years, and I have many memories of her encouraging words to me, her loving example, and her sacrificial service to whomever God brought across her path. In fact, the last time I saw her was when our family stayed in her home for three days.

Connie's doctors up to this point have said that her condition is the result of nerve damage at the base of the brain and that it is untreatable and irreversible. However, she was moved last night to a different hospital, and her new doctor is pursuing other meds and tests in an effort to come up with answers.

There are so many people who love Connie and are praying for a miracle for her, her husband Jeff, and their six children. I share all of this with you to ask you to pray along with us. We serve a great God who made our bodies, and has the power to heal and sustain life. Yesterday, as I was struggling with the gravity of what has happened to these friends of ours, my daughter came into the kitchen and handed me a post-it note with a Bible reference on it. We had been praying throughout the week, and she was encouraged by a verse she found. It was Job 42:2 which says, "I know that You can do all things, and that no purpose of Yours can be thwarted." That is our God! He can do immeasurably beyond all that we ask or think, all to the praise of His glorious grace. Please pray for Connie!

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Homeschooling With Babies and Toddlers

(This is our 15th year of homeschooling and we have always had toddlers and babies underfoot while our schooling was going on during the day. Since I am often asked about how to be Mom and Teacher at the same time, I thought I would post my answer here...)

Expect Interruptions:
If you have small children in your home, they will provide many distractions to your schooling. But remember that they still need you to be their Mommy and some interruptions are necessary and important. It is a mistake to constantly shoo them away to go play without specific direction, and to do so teaches them that what you're doing with the older children is more important than they are. Having them on a routine of naps, structured playtimes, etc. will help minimize the unnecessary distractions, and create an ordered environment in your home. The discipline and training of your children is important and shouldn't be seen as a distraction. Your academic progress will be of little value if you don't take the time to take care of their spiritual needs.

A Sweet Attitude:
It is important that you not enter into homeschooling naively. There are elements of stress and difficulty that will be part of your day. Attempting to homeschool, care for little ones and keep the house somewhat under control is a daunting task, but not an impossible one. The way you respond in those stressful times will set the tone for your home during the day. If you are irritable and impatient, sarcastic and unreasonable, your children will most likely respond with resentment and rebellion. If you are this way, there is hope in the Lord! Homeschooling may be the perfect intense sanctification booster you need!!! He is committed to making you more like Christ, and wants you to submit to and participate in this plan. Make it your daily prayer to have the same graciousness, gentleness, and loving forbearance toward your family that God extends to you moment by moment in Christ. Be known as a mother who is genuinely encouraging, a sweet servant, and excited about being an agent of grace in the life of your husband and children. Also, guard your lips against complaining to your husband at the end of the day. If homeschooling is the decision you and your husband have made, remember that you have a BIG God, and He has all the grace you need.

Keep It Simple:
Over the years we have seen the value of mainly focusing on the "3 R's" (reading, 'riting, and 'rithmetic) when our children were young. Once they are able to read, the scope of independent learning greatly expands, and they are able to investigate many things that Mom may not have time to take on. Also, as they grow older, our goal is to give them curriculum that is self-teaching, so they aren't so dependent on Mom to teach every lesson of every subject.

Persevere!
Anyone who wants to train their children to eat their vegetables doesn't give up after one try. In the same way, settling into a feasible homeschool routine will take time, flexibility, and hard work, especially with small children in the house. Continue to pray, get input, and ask questions of those who have walked the road ahead of you.

Practical Tips:
Regular naps: Little ones do require rest during the day. Training them to go down for a nap will help avoid having to deal with a cranky, inconsolable baby or toddler. Naptime will also provide some quiet focused time to work on more difficult subjects with your older children.

Scheduled play times: You can teach your little ones to play contentedly in their crib (or room with a gate) with a few well-chosen books and toys for 30-45 minutes. We started with 5-10 minutes and used a kitchen timer. They learned to wait for the "ding" and we slowly increased the time.

Book time: We did the same thing on the couch with a few favorite picture books.Snack time: Sometimes mid-morning when the older children would be around the kitchen table with their books, the baby would join us and enjoy some Cheerios in the high chair.

Older/younger partners: If you have older children, assign them to take turns having a playtime with the baby or toddler.

Quiet busy work: When we read a book aloud, we sometimes all gather around the table with drawing supplies ad coloring books for the younger ones. You will be amazed how much your younger ones will gain just by being around while the older ones are learning.

Start early: From our first year of homeschooling, when I had a kindergartner, a 3 yr. old, a 2 yr. old, and a newborn, I discovered that if I started our studies as early as possible, even with all the interruptions factored in, that we would usually accomplish a reasonable amount as the morning progressed. Being prepared the night before is important. I usually try to set bowls, spoons, and cups out before I go to bed. And I almost never cook on school days. Instead we usually have fruit, cereal, instant oatmeal, bagels, or muffins (made ahead of time). To make a big mess in the kitchen will delay getting on to our work.

Take breaks: Everyone is happier at our house when I alternate intense study time with activities that provide a break (and that even the little ones can participate in). For example a morning schedule may be: Math, English, quick clean up in bedrooms, spelling , read-aloud history, a walk outside, Bible time, Science, etc.

Recharge your heart: Post a favorite verse near your kitchen window or on your bathroom mirror to remind you of your source of help when the day begins to dissolve into conflict or chaos. My favorite is:

Hebrews 4:14-16:
Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus the son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who cannnot sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and may find grace to help in time of need.

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The Word Is Alive

For the last two weeks our pastor has spent part of his Sunday morning message talking about the power of the Word of God to transform lives. He has his story of how he set out to prove to his brother that the Bible was nonsense, and so he picked it up and begin to read it. Just a few chapters of reading the Gospel of John and his heart was pierced through with the truth of who Jesus Christ was. Though he had spent all of his life up until that point living for himself and not caring, suddenly his eyes were opened by the words that he read. He was consumed by the thought that he was a sinner in great need of a Savior --the only Savior, Jesus Christ!

I have experienced the power of the Word in my own life. October 7th, 1985 was one of those never-to-be-forgotten experiences. It was on that day 23 years ago that the Living Word pierced through my darkness to show me that Jesus was the Light of the World. My self-righteous shell was no match for the Word that sliced to my heart like a knife, exposing my sin and making me see that I needed the Lord...His mercy and forgiveness and His grace at work in my life!

There have been times over the years that I felt so burdened from a million little trivial stresses that cloud the day. Sometimes there are BIG stresses, and sometimes it is just a tired, idle mind that gets loose and wanders off to ponder irrational things that COULD happen. At times the weight almost feels physical. It drives me to the Word, though, and there I always find peace and rest. Sometimes I am met with rebuke for a bad attitude or a lack of love, or anger toward my children. But in the end there is always balm for the necessary surgery, and I can truly feel my heart at ease, resting in Christ, and in His loving care for me.

Playing in the background of my mind (as I've thought about the power of the Word of God) is Casting Crown's song called "The Word is Alive" from their most recent album "The Altar and the Door". I love the words...

The Word Is Alive

Looking out from His throne, the Father of light and of men
Chose to make himself known and show us the way back to Him
Speaking wisdom and truth into the hearts of peasants and kings
He began to unveil the Word that would change the course of all things
With eyes wide open, all would see
The Word is alive
And it cuts like a sword through the darkness
With a message of life to the hopeless and afraid
Breathing life into all who believe
The Word is alive
And the world and its glories wil fade
But His truth it will not pass away
It remains yesterday and forever the same
The Word is alive

Simple strokes on a page
Eternity's secrets revealed
Carried on from age to age
It speaks Truth to us even still
And as the rain falls from Heaven
Feeds the earth before it returns
Lord, let Your Word fall on us and
Bring forth the fruit You deserve

With eyes wide open
Let us see
The Word is alive
His Word is alive

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